Crisis at the Sheriff's Office (aka Why Reading is Important)
by Ellynne
Summary: What happened when CPS started to investigate Storybrooke. A story sort of set in the same world as Hook: the Musical. No music, but the brainwashing curse is working in this world and affecting everyone's IQs. Not for Hook fans.


Andi Rosa watched the chaos in the sheriff's office. Co-sheriff David Nolan (aka James, aka Charming) was on the phone with a man named Tom Clark, protesting that this was an emergency and he couldn't be put on hold.

Clark put him on hold.

Co-sheriff Emma Swan (aka the Savior [no, no ego problems there. Not at _all_ ]) was somehow managing to offer comfort to a devastated, lost soul (Killian Jones, aka, Captain Hook) as he railed against the terrible cruelties a merciless universe was always heaping on his head, while she simultaneously wailed to the dark haired woman beside her (Mary Margaret Blanchard Nolan, aka, Snow White) how she could never live up to the responsibilities of being a Savior and how unworthy she was of being Killian Jones' girlfriend.

Killian Jones agreed about the unworthiness. Wholeheartedly. This was followed by a long speech about how no one was ever doing their fair share to solve his problems. Emma begged forgiveness while giving him a manicure on his one hand. Mary Margaret polished the hook.

Meanwhile, David had finally gotten off hold and was demanding to know if Tom Clark (aka Sneezy, owner and operator of the local pharmacy) had been able to get "the stuff" or not. He was outraged that the answer was "No."

Just then, two more women (Regina Mills, aka the Evil Queen; and Zelena Mills—or Zelena Green, no one seemed quite sure on that point—aka the Wicked Witch of the West) came bursting in. "We got it!" Regina said, waving a small, black stick around. "You said we'd never find it, but we did!"

Killian Jones leaped up, knocking Emma and Mary Margaret over in the process (Emma apologized for being in the way, not that Killian noticed) and grabbed the stick from Regina. "It took you long enough!" He examined it closely. "Well, it's the right one," he said grudgingly. "It made all my sacrifices useless to be without this. But, I guess I'll let you live."

"Isn't Killian wonderful?" Emma sighed from the floor. "Regina, how much do I owe you for Killy's eyeliner?"

"Forget about that," Killian said (Andi made a note to check on his finances. She wondered how many other debts he "forgot"). "Nolan, what are you going to do about Clark? How dare he run out of my favorite brand of eyeliner?"

"I don't know," David said. "He put me on hold again. Said something about having more important things to do."

"He what? He WHAT? Just for that, I ought to shoot his girlfriend in the back."

David looked faintly troubled. "I thought you promised to stop doing that"

"I had my fingers crossed. Anyway, I'll be all sad and angsty about it later. Emma, you'll have to be extra nice to me after I shoot his girlfriend. You know how giving in to my inner darkness upsets me. I'll need a backrub and breakfast in bed for at least a week."

"Oh, Killian," Emma sighed. "You're so brave."

"You'd better believe it." His brow wrinkled under heavy thought. "Does Clark have a girlfriend? Or is that the other dwarf?"

"Which other dwarf? There are seven of them."

"Oh, it doesn't matter. I'll shoot one of their girlfriends in the back. That'll make me feel better." He frowned and looked at the rings on his hand. "She'd better have good taste in jewelry. I need something new for my collection."

 _Collects jewelry from people he kills?_ Andi made a note to look into that before speaking up. " _Excuse me,_ " she said. It wasn't the first time she'd tried to get someone's attention but, now that the crisis of the eyeliner-and-who-to-murder-over-it had been resolved, she was hoping she might get someone to notice her.

Everyone stared at her in surprise. More surprise than a woman in long-skirted, tweed dress suit wearing sensible shoes really deserved. But, judging by some of the fashions she'd seen in this town already, they may have never seen a woman in sensible clothes.

"What are you doing there?" Emma demanded.

"Regina," Killian said. "I thought you had this place shielded against people popping in and out. Can't you do anything right?"

Andi rolled her eyes. "I came in through the front door, Mr. Jones." Professional demeanor meant she couldn't—well, _shouldn't_ —call him a twit. She turned her attention to the two co-sheriffs. "Sheriff Swan, Sheriff Nolan? I'm Andromeda Rosa. I work with child protective services." Special agent on loan, but get to that later and only if necessary. Nothing put people to sleep like trying to explain how the bureaucracy functioned. "I believe I sent you an email? Five emails, actually. And three letters. Two by registered mail."

"Sorry," David said. "Never saw them."

"You signed for one of them."

Mary Margaret cleared her throat. "David doesn't really get paperwork. If someone shoves a form at him and tells him it's his job to sign it, he signs it."

"Right," David nodded. "Keeps things simpler."

"I see. And, do you ever read these papers?"

"No, that's what Belle's for. She looks through them and tells me if there was anything important in them."

"Belle. That would be Belle Gold? I wasn't aware she worked for the sheriff's office. She's not on the employee list I was shown. Is she a clerk or secretary?"

Emma looked horrified. "Oh, we never _pay_ Belle. She just does all the reading and research for us."

"Yeah," Killian said. He puffed out his chest. "We're heroes. We don't do stuff like that. Was there something important in those letters? What's wrong with Belle? Can't anyone get take care of their job around here without me telling them what they're doing wrong?" He scowled. "Maybe I need to knock her unconscious again."

Mary Margaret frowned. Something about that troubled her although she seemed to be having difficulty figuring out exactly what. "You knocked Belle unconscious? That doesn't sound very nice."

Killian rolled his eyes. "I only did it because she wouldn't do what I wanted. It was back when I was trying to kill the Crocodile, and she wouldn't help me. So, I whacked her a good one and threw her into a stone wall."

"Oh, Killy!" Emma said, beaming. "You're such a charming rogue! But, weren't you afraid Belle might have fought back? You could have been hurt!"

"Oh, it was all right," he said, modestly. "I outweigh her by a hundred pounds, and she was chained up at the time."

"Oh, Killy, you're so _brave._ "

"Excuse me?" Andi tried again. And, once again, everyone stared at her.

"What are you doing there?" Emma demanded.

"Regina," Killian said. "I thought you had this place shielded—"

"Yes, yes, let's not do another repeat of that," Andi said. "I'm Andromeda Rosa, remember? I'm from Child Protective Services. I sent you emails and letters. Remember?"

"Oh, right," David nodded. "The ones Belle didn't read."

"If you want to go after Belle, we can help you do that," Killian said. "She deserves whatever she has coming to her. Anyone who dates the Crocodile deserves to get shot, have her memory erased, her personality altered, and be beaten up by every passing idiot. She should know better."

Andi made more notes. "The Crocodile," she said. "You wouldn't mean Mr. Gold, would you?" Mr. Gold, aka Rumplestiltskin, the Dark One. Andi assumed "Crocodile" was a derogative term and not another alias but she'd have to check. "Um, I understand he tends to react badly when people try to hurt his wife."

"That's because he's evil," Killian said.

"He's not good like us," Mary Margaret added.

"I see. I'll make sure to add what you said about him to my report."

"Report?" Regina asked. "What report?" She was the mayor, more or less, and government employees making reports seemed to register on her brain as "important," unlike the brains of everyone else in the room.

"The one I'll be doing as my follow-up to this meeting. I'll try to keep this short and simple," s _ince you have the attention spans—and intellects—of mayflies,_ "Child Protective Services has taken Henry Mills. There are temporary restraining orders against all of you. But, after being evaluated and meeting with a judge, it is possible some of you could have supervised visitation while the case is going forward. Any questions?"

There were several all at the same time. "What?" and "You can't do this!" "You can't take my son!"

Killian Jones staggered back dramatically. "There's not enough mayo on my sandwich!" For once, no one seemed to be paying attention to him.

"What do you mean, you've taken Henry?" Emma said. "You can't take Henry!"

"I think you'll find that, yes, we can." Andi handed over some forms. "We've had numerous reports of reckless endangerment and abuse. You've ignored all our previous efforts at talking to you."

"Only because you expected us to _read_ ," David protested. "If you'd called or sent someone—"

"Oh, we've got a phone log. And I'm not the first person from CPS to come here, just the most stubborn. I've stood here for over an hour, during which time you have gone on an emergency search for eyeliner, sent back three sandwiches that weren't good enough for Mr. Jones, threatened bodily harm to people who said his ship was badly docked and in the way of other boats trying to get out of the harbor, and ignored five 911 calls. I think I can safely say we've done our share."

"We've never endangered Henry," Emma protested. "It's just that Storybrooke is . . . uh . . . Storybrooke is sort of. . . ."

"It has magic. Yes, I noticed."

"What? How? I mean, no, it doesn't."

"Sheriff, I'm from Child Protective Services. We've seen everything. Speaking of which—" she pulled out more reports and official papers, "—these are some of our main concerns.

"Regina Mills, you currently have residing with you your sister, Zelena Mills, aka, Zelena Green, aka, the Wicked Witch of the West, aka, Marian of Locksley."

"She's not Marian of Locksley," Regina said.

"But, she did murder her and steal her identity. It is one of her known aliases. We have videotape evidence of Zelena threatening to kill Henry—that warehouse where the flying monkeys attacked had a security system. You were all present for that, I believe? If you're having trouble remembering, it happened just after the monkeys attacked and before one of those memory curses you always seem to get around here was broken.

"By the way, among other crimes, this same Zelena kidnapped Henry Mills' newborn uncle and attempted kill him as part of a spell. She also attempted to murder Henry when she broke out of jail and she successfully murdered Henry's father." She looked up at Regina. "And you're letting this person live with you and your son?"

"She's changed since then," Regina said.

"You mean in the past month? I'm sorry, but CPS usually wants something a bit more concrete than 'changed since then' before it lets a child live with sociopath who has tried to murder him. Twice.

"Speaking of, I understand you yourself, Ms. Mills, once poisoned your son?"

"That doesn't count," Regina said hastily. "I was trying to poison Emma."

"Ah. Again, I'm so sorry to inform you that 'trying to poison somebody else' is not a defense. In fact, insofar as your parenting skills go, it could be taken as evidence you can't safely store toxic substances you keep in your home, as well as homicidal tendencies."

Killian snickered. "Not exactly mother-of-the-year, are you, Regina?"

Andi turned to him. "Mr. Jones, I have several files on you. I believe, among other crimes, you've been involved in multiple kidnapping attempts on Henry Mills, too? You also involved a _minor child_ in breaking out the woman who had tried to kill him."

"Oh, yeah, that was fun. Who knew she could grow a hand back like that? But, uh, I don't know if I did anything you could call _kidnapping. . . ._ "

"You were working with two known killers, Tamara, last name unknown, and Greg Mendell, aka Owen Flynn. You aided them in their attempt to murder . . . hmm . . . _everyone_. . . in this town, which was also when they attempted—no, _succeeded_ in kidnaping Henry Mills. Well, that does put them ahead of the curve, around here. The second time, you tried to lure the boy onto your ship and transport him across state lines without parental consent."

"Hey, that was to keep him safe from Zelena!"

"The same woman you now think should babysit him."

"We'll _I'm_ not going to do it."

"That's not fair!" Emma said. "Killy-Poo is always taking Henry on outings with him."

"You mean on his trips to The Rabbit Hole where he's been teaching him about drinking and picking up . . . er, I have eyewitness accounts saying you called them 'wenches'?" She looked at Hook incredulously. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah. There's nothing like having a little kid with you to attract a wench. If that doesn't work, I pay some really obnoxious guy to hit on her so I can save her from him. That's how I met Milah. But, Henry's getting too old for wench-bait and he isn't big enough to make it look good if I beat him up for hitting on someone—although, that Violet is _hot_. I may just beat him up anyway. That ought to impress her. Or maybe I should get him to bring that baby nephew of his."

"Uncle."

"Whatever. Babies are great at attracting wenches. What's the brat's name? Nate?"

"Neal," Andi told him. "Named after one of several children you sold to a child predator known as Peter Pan, aka Malcolm, surname unknown. I understand you had a long standing business association with him? Mr. Jones, I should tell you that we take a very dim view of human trafficking in this state, especially when the victims are minors. This does not speak well of you."

He gave her his sparkling smile. "You mean I'm a lovable scoundrel."

"If that's what you want to tell the judge, go ahead. And, just to ask, Mary Margaret, David—James—whoever you are, are you all right with Mr. Jones taking your baby with him while he teaches your grandson to pick up women in bars?"

Killian rolled his eyes. "Well, it's not like Charming can teach him. He doesn't know the first thing about picking up women."

"He's right," David said. "I don't."

"And—just to finish up the list here—Mr. Jones and both the Ms. Mills have assaulted, kidnapped, and attempted to kill Henry's grandmother and/or grandfather. Is this also correct?"

"What?" Mary Margaret said. "They've never tried to hurt me or David. Well, they have. But, we don't hold a grudge about that. We're heroes. We don't worry about that."

Andi made another note: _Psych evaluation._ "Not the murder and kidnapping attempts I was talking about. I meant Henry's other grandparents."

"Other grandparents? What other grandparents?"

"One Mr. Gold, aka Rumplestiltskin, aka The Dark One, and his wife—technically, Henry's step-grandmother—Belle Gold, aka Belle French, aka Belle of the Marchlands, aka Lacey."

"Wait, Gold's Henry's grandfather?" David looked confused. "How'd that happen?"

"He was the father of one Neal Cassady, aka Baelfire, aka Henry's father. That's how."

"Huh?" Emma said. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would I have dated Gold's son? And what would he be doing outside of Storybrooke?"

It was generally frowned on in Andi's job to laugh at idiots, especially when you might be facing their lawyers in court. "He fell through a portal," she said patiently. "Gold spent the next three centuries trying to find a way into this world to go after him. In the end, he was desperate enough to give Regina the curse that created Storybrooke. You might recall how you went with Gold to New York to look for him?"

"Sorry, I don't remember any of this."

"Mr. Jones stabbed Gold with poison in his son's apartment building. Does that help?"

"Oh, that's right! Killy-Poo did do that! Isn't he a lovable rogue?"

"Is that local slang for homicidal maniac?"

"Oh, come on. He that's just what lovable rogues do."

Another rule: _Try not to argue more than you have to with the insane_. "You'll have to discuss that with the judge. As I said, given Mr. Jones attempts on Mr. Gold's life and the life of his wife—I believe you arrested him after he shot Mrs. Gold? Or have you forgotten that, too?"

"Oh, that was before he explained he wasn't trying to kill her."

Andi started another page of notes. "He told you he shot her intentionally but without intent to kill."

"Right, that's all it was."

"Sheriff, you might want to review the definitions of 'assault' and 'confession.' More importantly, let me tell you something about guns. Pistols have a two-and-a-half inch margin of error at twenty-five yards. That's under decent lighting and not in the middle of the night. The bullet lodged in Belle's left shoulder an inch from her heart. Do the math.

"And let me make a long story short. Mr. Gold has already applied for custody as Henry's grandfather. As the only person in Henry's family who isn't a spree killer or dating one, I think he has a good chance."

"No," Emma said. "You can't do this!"

Regina snarled, "I'm getting my lawyer! We'll beat this. Everyone in town will testify what great parents we are!"

Privately, Andi disagreed. Gold was the only lawyer Regina had ever used and wasn't likely to take this case. As for the town, Andi had collected several hundred pages of witness statements already. Whatever seemed to have fried out the brains of Emma and her parents, there was a surprising number of locals who remained free of it.

"Too bad for you losers," Zelena said cheerfully. "At least, I still have my baby Robin to push my codependent needs on and expect to fill the emotional black hole that is my soul."

Andi got out the next stack of papers. "Yeah, about that. . . ."


End file.
